So Friday after work my lovely wife and I sat in the car for an extended period to have a “discussion”. The discussion wasn’t anything monumental, or earth shattering, it was simply a disagreement on the way we were currently seeing a specific situation. This past July we were officially married for 11 years, and as of September we have been together for 17, which means I have devoted more time to this endeavor than anything else I have ever done. I mean seriously I was only a pizza boy for 9 years, a college student for 12, so unless you count being a smartass for 41 years as an endeavor, this is it.
I am not sure what the threshold for sainthood is but I have to think that April is getting pretty close. I could list all of the reasons being married to me is difficult, but I don’t have that much storage space or that many free hours in the next 11 years to accurately list them all. So instead I will make just a few points.
I suffer from untreated depression.
This isn’t a secret, I have laid it bare in the space on several occasions. I tried to treat it before, but the medications that I went through had worse side effects than the depression. And I am honest I have tried, between the ones they attempted to use to treat my migraines, and the 4 different medications they tried the last time I admitted to a doctor that I had depression, I have thrown the kitchen sink at it pharmaceutically.
And yes I know there are other ways to treat depression other than just popping a pill daily, but me in therapy just isn’t something I am ready to commit to. For therapy to work you have to be open to it, and willing to be honest and take it seriously. Between my own dark demons, the skeletons in numerous closets, and my own habit for wanting to be in control of every situation… Therapy at this moment is a waste of everyone’s time. When your first thought is just how crazy can I convince the therapist I am, or knowing that you can give the appropriate yet false answer to every question they ask; it’s not the right time.
I talk things to death.
There is some question as to just how much communication is necessary in daily life. How much talking should be done when disciplining a child? How much conversation should be had about a disagreement between spouses? or any other question you can fathom to ask. I talk too much. While getting my wife to talk about what is bothering her may be akin to getting classified information out of a seasoned spook; getting me to shut up about something is just as difficult. I not only have an annoying habit of beating a dead horse, I bring the horse back to life, and beat it again. Somewhere in my mind is this belief that if we talk about something long enough we can fix anything, from world hunger, to peace in the middle east all we need is a more lengthy conversation.
April is a volcano with her feelings, you might not know anything is wrong until she just explodes and by that time the only thing left to do is duck and cover. I am more like a waterfall, and my thoughts, feelings, and whatever other random thing is going through my head just spills out. This means that sometimes our communication styles are at odds with each other. The smart person inside of me knows that I need to be patient and give her time and space; it would be great if every once in a while I was better at listening to the smart person inside of me instead of the temperamental inner child who always wants things his way.
I suck at being alone.
I am an extrovert, I crave attention, and love to interact with people. I am also a stay at home dad, and almost all of my odd jobs keep me at a desk in my home or alone in the car for extended periods of time. So the burden of being my lifeline to contact with people is my wife. In today’s world even while she is slaving away at work, I have the ability to be in contact.(More than she likes some days I am sure. ) I can be a nuisance, and a bother and if you ask anyone who truly knows me, I am at all things demanding. This makes our interactions difficult at times, and leaves her feeling like there is just not enough of her to go around. I am supposed to be her greatest support system, not just one more thing she feels like she has to focus time and energy on.
Why did you have to read all of that.
Well the short of it is that marriage isn’t easy. Even for people who are in love, and happy; it still takes work and someday’s it takes a lot of work. With ever rising divorce rates, broken homes, and countless couples who are just going through the motions of being married because it is easier than the alternatives; sometimes it is important to sit and realize that marriage takes work. And to truly be happily married means there will be days that you fight, or that you just need to tell you significant other just how much how they eat croutons drives you up a wall.
A little self-reflection and understanding of how imperfect we are as individuals can go a long way in preserving the happiness in a relationship. And sometimes all that is necessary is taking a step back, and listening, or watching and seeing things from the other person perspective. If marriage was easy, we would have no need for divorce lawyers, and money would grow on trees, and every cloud would have a silver lining. But we live in a reality where there are daily stresses and strains that test even the strongest ties that bind us together. If we don’t put in the time to maintain these bonds, they fray and become tattered, torn, and weakened until ultimately they break.
Now you will notice that while I am more than willing to publicly admit some of my bigger flaws, I was smart enough not to sit here and throw stones at my wife. I am not going to pretend that she is perfect, or that there aren’t things that I find frustrating on her side of the relationship. But one of the other important things I have learned about being married, is that much like I tell Jaxson when he is all consumed with what someone else did or said; “You can only control your actions, your thoughts and your feelings. Focus on you.” It does me no good to pick apart my wife, that isn’t what our relationship is or should be about. I did great, I found an amazing woman who is willing to stand by me, and I’m not even all that easy to stand let alone stand beside. We are very different people, I’m a Saturday night of drunken karaoke and she’s a calm evening at home with a book and a fireplace. But what we are together is a strong couple, a loving marriage, and 2 people who would do anything for the other or our kids. Sometimes we just don’t see the other persons point of view, and for my part in all of that I am sorry. I love you April, and thanks for putting up with my smartass. Maybe if we all just said I loved you more to our significant other and actually meant it we could fix some of the marriage problems our society faces. I will state it again for those who might have gotten lost somewhere along the way. Marriage is work, but it is worth every minute, every ounce of perspiration and every apology you might need to give along the way.
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