Waiting on the Wind

 

Sometimes a song that you have listened to repeatedly just hits you with a deeper kind of thought. This morning while driving deliveries Sailboat for Sale hit me that way. What used to be a cute song, and a drunken sailor appeal smacked me upside the head with a little more something behind it, or at least in my mind.

“Sailboat For Sale”
(feat. Jimmy Buffett)

I’m floating in my boat
Not the one I used to fish in
But the boat I sit in wishin’
I was still floating on my fishing boat
And I’m out here on this river
Really it’s just a creek
But it’s a river when I drink
So I’m drinking on my river boat

I could sail to the ocean
If the wind would come and get me
But I ain’t goin’ nowhere quickly
I’m just a drunkin’ sailor
Waiting on a gale
With a drink in my hand and a sailboat for sale

Aye
Aye

An old pirate sold me on a
We traded straight across
The boat I thought I wanted
For the boat I hate I lost
She’ll sing when that wind whistles
When it doesn’t, well she don’t
Just ask that old pirate
That’s floatin’ on my river boat

I could sail to the ocean
If the wind would come and get me
But I ain’t goin’ nowhere quickly
I’m just a drunkin’ sailor
Waiting on a gale
With a drink in my hand and a sailboat for sale

Never make a handshake deal while sharing someone bottle
Never buy a boat son that doesn’t have a throttle

Aye
Aye

I could sail to the ocean
If the wind would come and get me
But I ain’t goin’ nowhere quickly
I’m just a drunkin’ sailor
Waiting on a gale
With a drink in my hand and a sailboat for sale

I got a sailboat for sale

Aye
Aye

We could spend some time discussing the theme of buyers remorse, especially during this gift giving season. Every parent has at one time or another given their child something and in hindsight thought what the hell was I thinking but that isnt where I want to go today.

I just want to focus in on the chorus.

I could sail to the ocean
If the wind would come and get me
But I ain’t goin’ nowhere quickly
I’m just a drunkin’ sailor
Waiting on a gale
With a drink in my hand and a sailboat for sale

Too often in many of our lives we spend our days waiting on others to take us where we need to go, and I am not talking literally. We put our dreams, our wants, and our desires on the backs of others. We wait for something monumental to happen for us to be able to achieve our goals. Why is it that we are waiting on the wind to come and get us.

As a parent I get a front seat to my children’s dreams and aspirations; and while I love my children dearly sometimes their expectations of what must happen before they put out effort can be a little disheartening. And my kids are not unique in this regard, most of their generation seems to follow suit, and if I am being at all honest I have way too many days that I spend waiting on the wind.

In a moment of self-reflection I sat down today, and thought about all of the dreams I had when I was much younger, and some that are more recent; it was then that I realized I have failed myself. I let the daily minutia get in the way of way too many things. This blog is one of the things that I set aside, and I am sorry for that. That novel that is 15 pages in, yeah there is another sailboat left afloat in the still waters of daily work.

If we were all to sit back and think for just a few minutes about those things we could achieve if we powered our own sailboat be it by motor, or even if we have to row the damn thing along; we would be surprised at where we might wind up. What is it you want to accomplish in the upcoming year? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

As I dropped off a delivery this morning to the Political science office on campus I thought about  the years I spent in those halls working towards my PhD. I am a much different person today then I was those many years ago, and my aspirations have changed. It is perfectly fine to have a change of course, to aim for a new navigational beacon and to set your sights on another objective. But when we get lost in the fog, when the wind in our sails fails to blow, and we sit afloat like a drunken sailor waiting for a gail we truly miss out on the richness of life’s experiences. My family always told me I was full of hot air, I guess it is time to blow a little wind in my sail and move forward. And if this overweight middle-aged Dad can do that …. So can the rest of you. None of us should sell our dreams out. When the wind blows a little less, and when the waters get still, its simply time to make our own waves.

When a house full of giggling girls is a good thing.

I have written more than they probably like about my family, well those that live in my house. I have told you quite a bit about my growing up, and I am sure I have written some about my Sister-Cousin Sarah and if you want to know more from her own unique perspective check out her blog Mintsunglasses  . I have even give you information on how my children keep expanding through those I coach in soccer; I have way more than 3 kids now. But this Sunday reminded me that my family expands in other ways.

Guess who’s coming for dinner.

This isn’t your grandma’s house, and every Sunday isn’t fried chicken after church, but on most Sunday nights we have dinner guests. What used to be our oldest, Max, coming by to do laundry and eat a home-cooked meal has evolved into a revolving door of Alex’s friends. And we I say Alex’s friends I truly mean my expanded set of daughters. Whether it is Taylor who can double as a human garbage disposal, Arielle who while sweet as can be, says some of the most quizzical things, or Maddie who I always tease Alex is truly my favorite daughter; these girls have found a way into our hearts, our home, and around our living room for dinner.

I am not 5 star chef, I’m just that fat guy who likes to eat, and figured out that in order to eat I needed to be able to cook. Also our household runs counter to the traditional one in that April works more, and I am the lord of the domestic tasks. Dinner at our place isn’t set around some huge table, it isn’t a scene of some Italian family in a movie, it is truly pretty low-key. But on Sundays the TV stays muted, and we eat with whatever conglomeration of individuals happen to be there. And up until the time dinner is finished there is really no telling just who or how many we might have.

A little bit about my expanded daughters.

We will start out with the unusual relationship. Taylor used to be Max’s girlfriend….oops. But Alex adopted her as her friend, so even when Max and Taylor’s relationship ended Taylor’s and ours did not. While yes it may seem a little odd, it is what it is. We still get the full scoop on Taylor’s life, we still have her over for meals, and she still attends concerts with us during fair season. I guess once you have spent that much time into getting to know someone, they are meant to be a part of your life.

Next we will talk a little about Under the Sea. If you know me, you also know that calling people by their actual name isn’t my strong suit. My friends have almost always had nicknames, and sometimes a slew of them. But when Alex asked me to pick up her new friend to drive them to the band concert years ago, and told me her name was Arielle I just couldn’t stop myself. We have broke into song as she has walked into the house. We have asked her where Sebastian was. And almost every other joke you can think of that pertains to the Little Mermaid. To her credit she takes it all in stride.

Arielle has had some major trials in her life in the last couple of years, and while I am definitely not getting into all that; I am glad that she has found our house to be a safe place to be, and that she confides in April and myself. She is truly a sweet girl, and I am glad Alex has friends like her to grow up with.

Then there is Maddie. Maddie is the quiet one of the group, if their is a quiet one. Our future FBI agent, is reserved and quiet for the most part; but she is also the one who I have a feeling would be most likely to slap someone upside the head if they needed it. She is also the most understanding and calm where it comes to dealing with Jaxson who likes to insert himself into everything the girls are doing.

Why I claim these girls.

If they were just Alex’s friends or we only knew them tangentially I don’t think I would go so far as to call them my daughters; but that isn’t the case. I have been blessed enough to travel to concerts with them, watch them grow throughout High school, hear about future plans, and even get to be part of the gossip chain. These girls have become a part of my daily life, I mean I have to keep up my snapchat streaks with each of them. They are wonderful young ladies, and I am certain they will all do amazing things.

But more than anything, I claim them because they claim me. They voluntarily share their lives and their experiences with April and I. We don’t coerce them to come for dinner, they generally text Alex to see if it is alright to come for dinner. They have attended family events with us, watched our dogs when we traveled, been emergency babysitters, and even provided taxi services when called upon. It is a reminder that sometimes you can choose just who is part of your family. My life is enriched by the time I spend with my extended daughters. After listening to them talk for 2 hrs I am also reassured in our youth just a little bit. Their innocence and naivety may mean that the world isn’t going to hell in a hand-basket quite as quickly as I had thought. Now I just need to figure out what is on the menu for Sunday night.

Inflated expectations

I am an avid football fan, and a diehard Sooner. I am not a fair weather fan, I rooted for the University of Oklahoma even in the 90s when we looked forward to playing the Baylor teddy bears. I was a supporter even when I got nothing but grief when ISU beat my Sooners after the University Of Iowa beat ISU. So I have never hid my fandom.

This Saturday I watched OU’s quarterback, presumptive favorite for the Heisman, Baker Mayfield make a crude and inappropriate gesture towards the Kansas sideline. And then spent the entire 3rd Quarter listening to the commentators talk about how classless and inappropriate that the action was. So I feel the need to make a few points.

It was classless.

The gesture and antics were classless, and I expect more from the players that I root for. As the screen rolled past him, and the gesture was visible I am upset by the display. Sportsmanship has always been a major sticking point for me as I coach my own teams, and deal with coaching in a local soccer organization. Our athletes need to learn what is and isn’t acceptable behavior in the heat of competition. The rules of the game, respect for your oponent, and some mature behavior should be found on the field in any sport. After saying that have you watched an NFL game or a European soccer match lately; I have an idea where this type of behavior is being learned.

What was the network thinking.

You may not know this, but almost all live TV is on a delay. For those of us old enough to remember the wardrobe malfunction Janet Jackson had at the Superbowl, there is a policy in place to protect such things from happening again. But ESPN chose not to use said policy and go to a different camera. They kept it right there as Baker Mayfield made the poor choice to go full on crotch grab at the Kansas sideline.

What was just as regrettable is that the commentators then spent the entire 3rd quarter and part of the 4th discussing it in detail. I understand the game wasn’t all that interesting from a competitive standpoint, but I simply felt that they were beating a dead horse. We all saw it, we all had our own feelings about it, and it definitely didn’t take that much exposure to highlight whatever point it was you might have had. I am positive they could have moved on to something else.

The commentators, the fans and others.

Now here is where it really gets interesting, fans have stated that they couldn’t support the Sooners because of Mayfield’s antics. Commentators have questioned whether he deserves to win the Heisman based on this display. And people and keyboard warriors everywhere are up in arms based on this weekends #crotchgate. But what I havent heard anyone point out very clearly or repeatedly…. HE IS A DAMN KID. Baker is 22 years old, in college, and under an amount of scrutiny that few of us have ever faced. I may have a slightly different perspective based on the fact that my oldest child is 5 months younger than Baker, and in my opinion still does things on a regular basis that make me shake my head.

Being an adult isn’t easy. Being a college kid is a gauntlet of poor choices, mistakes, and nights you wish you could forget. I was a good kid, rarely in trouble, and mature for my age when I went to school; but I was also damn glad there wasnt cameras following me around everywhere I went. I’m not excusing his behavior. Yes it was a bull-headed stupid macho move that really has little place in sports, but are we really trying to hold a 22-year-old Kid to that high a standard.

In the last year we elected a man to run our country who said “Grab em by the *&#@!”, we have politicians defending a Senate candidate of chasing and assaulting teenagers when he was in his 30s, and a leading Democratic senator is under fire for copping cheap feels on women; but here we are trying to crucify some 22-year-old who made a lewd gesture to an opponent during a football game.

Yes he should be better than that. Yes he is a high-profile athlete who is likely to play at the next level, and he needs to get past his youthful mistakes and grow up. But why are we holding him to a higher standard than we do the leaders of this country. Think about it, this kid plays a game, not war, not anything of any true importance to our world, it’s a GAME. Why do we expect more out of a kid than we do the adults we see in the news on a daily basis for some pretty horrendous choices. It is clear to me that people need a little bit of perspective here.

I coach a wonderful group of high-school kids in soccer, and sometimes I have to stand there and watch them make regrettable choices that have consequences. For some of them me simply saying that I was disappointed is enough, for others game suspension or other punishments are necessary to get my point across. But these are kids, and sadly, much closer to Baker’s age than I am. We all made mistakes when we were younger, hell I made enough to fill a book; whether we are talking about jumping off the fishing bridge in Yellowstone, or launching myself onto a saddle dangling from the ceiling of a bar, or any of the other truly stupid things I did in college.  But it was those mistakes, those experiences that taught me lessons. I tried to cover every base I could when raising our oldest, and I left somethings out, he chose to ignore some lessons, and in other cases … well shit happens. I hope he has learned from his experiences even a fraction of what I learned from mine. But life is about making mistakes and learning not to repeat them; for the time being can we get off this kids back and move on. I’m still rooting for my Sooners, I’m still hoping Mayfield wins the Heisman, and I am still going to watch every game he has left. I am also hoping I don’t see any more #crotchgate displays, hopefully he learned something.

Observations of a difficult spouse

So Friday after work my lovely wife and I sat in the car for an extended period to have a “discussion”. The discussion wasn’t anything monumental, or earth shattering, it was simply a disagreement on the way we were currently seeing a specific situation. This past July we were officially married for 11 years, and as of September we have been together for 17, which means I have devoted more time to this endeavor than anything else I have ever done. I mean seriously I was only a pizza boy for 9 years, a college student for 12, so unless you count being a smartass for 41 years as an endeavor, this is it.

I am not sure what the threshold for sainthood is but I have to think that April is getting pretty close. I could list all of the reasons being married to me is difficult, but I don’t have that much storage space or that many free hours in the next 11 years to accurately list them all. So instead I will make just a few points.

I suffer from untreated depression.

This isn’t a secret, I have laid it bare in the space on several occasions. I tried to treat it before, but the medications that I went through had worse side effects than the depression. And I am honest I have tried, between the ones they attempted to use to treat my migraines, and the 4 different medications they tried the last time I admitted to a doctor that I had depression, I have thrown the kitchen sink at it pharmaceutically.

And yes I know there are other ways to treat depression other than just popping a pill daily, but me in therapy just isn’t something I am ready to commit to. For therapy to work you have to be open to it, and willing to be honest and take it seriously. Between my own dark demons, the skeletons in numerous closets, and my own habit for wanting to be in control of every situation… Therapy at this moment is a waste of everyone’s time. When your first thought is just how crazy can I convince the therapist I am, or knowing that you can give the appropriate yet false answer to every question they ask; it’s not the right time.

I talk things to death.

There is some question as to just how much communication is necessary in daily life. How much talking should be done when disciplining a child? How much conversation should be had about a disagreement between spouses? or any other question you can fathom to ask. I talk too much. While getting my wife to talk about what is bothering her may be akin to getting classified information out of a seasoned spook; getting me to shut up about something is just as difficult. I not only have an annoying habit of beating a dead horse, I bring the horse back to life, and beat it again. Somewhere in my mind is this belief that if we talk about something long enough we can fix anything, from world hunger, to peace in the middle east all we need is a more lengthy conversation.

April is a volcano with her feelings, you might not know anything is wrong until she just explodes and by that time the only thing left to do is duck and cover. I am more like a waterfall, and my thoughts, feelings, and whatever other random thing is going through my head just spills out. This means that sometimes our communication styles are at odds with each other. The smart person inside of me knows that I need to be patient and give her time and space; it would be great if every once in a while I was better at listening to the smart person inside of me instead of the temperamental inner child who always wants things his way.

I suck at being alone.

I am an extrovert, I crave attention, and love to interact with people. I am also a stay at home dad, and almost all of my odd jobs keep me at a desk in my home or alone in the car for extended periods of time. So the burden of being my lifeline to contact with people is my wife. In today’s world even while she is slaving away at work, I have the ability to be in contact.(More than she likes some days I am sure. ) I can be a nuisance, and a bother and if you ask anyone who truly knows me, I am at all things demanding. This makes our interactions difficult at times, and leaves her feeling like there is just not enough of her to go around. I am supposed to be her greatest support system, not just one more thing she feels like she has to focus time and energy on.

Why did you have to read all of that.

Well the short of it is that marriage isn’t easy. Even for people who are in love, and happy; it still takes work and someday’s it takes a lot of work. With ever rising divorce rates, broken homes, and countless couples who are just going through the motions of being married because it is easier than the alternatives; sometimes it is important to sit and realize that marriage takes work. And to truly be happily married means there will be days that you fight, or that you just need to tell you significant other just how much how they eat croutons drives you up a wall.

A little self-reflection and understanding of how imperfect we are as individuals can go a long way in preserving the happiness in a relationship. And sometimes all that is necessary is taking a step back, and listening, or watching and seeing things from the other person perspective. If marriage was easy, we would have no need for divorce lawyers, and money would grow on trees, and every cloud would have a silver lining. But we live in a reality where there are daily stresses and strains that test even the strongest ties that bind us together. If we don’t put in the time to maintain these bonds, they fray and become tattered, torn, and weakened until ultimately they break.

Now you will notice that while I am more than willing to publicly admit some of my bigger flaws, I was smart enough not to sit here and throw stones at my wife. I am not going to pretend that she is perfect, or that there aren’t things that I find frustrating on her side of the relationship. But one of the other important things I have learned about being married, is that much like I tell Jaxson when he is all consumed with what someone else did or said; “You can only control your actions, your thoughts and your feelings. Focus on you.” It does me no good to pick apart my wife, that isn’t what our relationship is or should be about. I did great, I found an amazing woman who is willing to stand by me, and I’m not even all that easy to stand let alone stand beside. We are very different people, I’m a Saturday night of drunken karaoke and she’s a calm evening at home with a book and a fireplace. But what we are together is a strong couple, a loving marriage, and 2 people who would do anything for the other or our kids. Sometimes we just don’t see the other persons point of view, and for my part in all of that I am sorry. I love you April, and thanks for putting up with my smartass. Maybe if we all just said I loved you more to our significant other and actually meant it we could fix some of the marriage problems our society faces. I will state it again for those who might have gotten lost somewhere along the way. Marriage is work, but it is worth every minute, every ounce of perspiration and every apology you might need to give along the way.

 

 

 

My new Year goal.

So its been 2 months since I have made it a priority to carve out time to sit down and write. I could blame being busy with the Christmas holiday, with work, with kids, with a host of other excuses and what not, or I could just man up and say, I really didn’t have the drive to write or anything important to say. All of which are true.

But today, I am forcing myself to put words to screen. I have survived the gauntlet of Christmas (20 days from first present to last), we weathered the trip back home to Oklahoma and back with only a torrential downpour to impede our progress, and as of today we are back into the normalcy of our world.

But with a new year comes new adventures, and new expectations. But instead of the tired old overused New Years Resolutions, I have simply made myself 1 declarative goal. You see, I lost weight last year, I am living healthier, I don’t need to learn a new language, or become rich, or any of the other tried and failed proclamations. But my goal for the year is one I know many of my friends could also strive towards. I am resolute in taking more time for myself this coming year. We can all have a tendency to lose bits of ourselves, in our jobs, our kids, our community involvement, and any other host of activities that pile upon us until at the end of the day, we are tired, stressed, and searching for whatever may have become of us. Between the pursuit of the dollar, the pressure to be super parents, and sometimes just your own irrational expectations we forget to live life in a way that is fulfilling. To reach the end of a year, and to look back and feel a sense of sadness based on your own failings, is no way to end a year. So this year I am not saying I am putting myself first, but at least making myself part of the equation. In a world as hurried, and chaotic as we all live, if you don’t make yourself matter to you, it is waiting for disappoint when others don’t have the time to do it either. But for today, I have a dresser drawer to repair. Enjoy the first Monday of the New Year.

When you thought things could not get more slimy.

More than 20 years ago I sat in a civics class and learned to love democracy. Since that point I have found myself drawn in by the political rhetoric, the historical allusions of our founding fathers, and even though I have little faith in the individual person, have been left awe stuck by a process that gives us even footing. The Democratic process in this country lies upon a principle of one person-one vote. We can decry the illicit tactics of some who try to use money, power, or threats of violence in order to create a mockery of the political system. If I had wanted to deal with that BS on a daily basis I would have sold everything I owned, including my soul, and got a masters in campaign management from George Washington University and lived my life in Washington D.C (if even in a van down by the river). Instead I planned to teach about the system in which I fell in love with some decades ago; and while the plan changed my love of the system has not. But as I sit in my office overlooking the falling leaves in my front yard; nestled in the confines of my University Height’s little smurf village, I am sickened to my core of underhanded slimy tactics that violate while not the letter of the law the spirit.

While launching a last minute shadow write-in campaign is legal, it is and should be seen in our small community to be unethical. There was no way it was a last minute thought, or even a response to anything that had occurred since the closing date for candidates. And whatever snake oil councilwoman Quezada may attempt to sell us in her view of democracy she clearly needs more schooling on the subject.  “A healthy democracy. I disagree with another Councilor’s recent negative public comments with regard to write-in campaigns. My general observation is that consumers like choices, and voters do too.  More candidates and perspectives are a sign of a healthy democratic process, and I am happy for my ideas to compete with others as our residents elect City officials.” Let me explain something councilwoman, while options are good, information is key in the political process, and the half truth behind closed door misinformation that is being spread does nothing but feed into the fear mongering that has plagued this community in the last several elections. If this write-in campaign cant stand in the light of day, it is nothing more than the last act of a desperate group of people whose personal self interest they hold above that of the wants of the community as a whole. A real candidate would have come forward and allowed the community to weigh the stances on issues, not rumors, to hear policy and not fallacy, and been willing to stand in the light instead of lurk in the shadows.

But my thoughts here aren’t new, I have stated them before; but what has me fired up today is an unethical skirting of the spirit of campaign law that even the most novice of voters should be able to call foul. So I am going to post something off the Johnson County Iowa Auditor’s page word for word. “There may also be poll watchers representing candidates, parties, or ballot issues. They do not work for our office and they need to obey election laws. No campaigning of any sort is permitted within 300 feet of the outside entrance to the polling place or a satellite voting station. Usually, poll watchers simply keep track of who has voted. Candidates may not be at a polling place unless they are voting.” And yet our esteemed, ok I cant even type it…. Our slithering shadow lurking write-in candidate for mayor, Weldon “Wally” Heitman has planned on being a poll watcher. Now while in the eyes of the auditor he is not a candidate because he isnt Listed on the ballot, he has in action, and thought put himself forth as a candidate. It was only some concerns from election officials that dissuaded, or put a stop to this farce. This isn’t the political machine of Boss Tweed. We live in a flipping smurf village where we should all be able to be civil. This in its most basest form runs right up to the edge of political tampering. Every citizen of our small community should see this as just what it is, desperation. The desecration of the democratic process that this group attempts to perpetrate time and time again makes my skin crawl. I understand national politics is dirty, and unrightfully so. But at this level, in this instance where it is neighbors running against neighbors, and we all have to live with the decisions that are made, cant we at least be adults about it. This childish BS of rumor mills, and secret plans, trying to get around the rules is no way for adults to behave. But then again I probably shouldn’t be surprised, but I can be saddened and sickened. Do you want a city run by Junior High drama, histrionics, and an archaic vision of our town; or do you want responsible governance by well informed, approachable individuals who were not afraid of the scrutiny, and openness that comes with declaring to run. Vote Lane, Haverkamp, Aldrich, and Gahn and just for an extra measure lets show them that we don’t need any of them and write-in Virginia Miller, a name we can at least trust. Vote for our city, our community, and our future; not for dirty tricks, shadow campaigns, and falsehoods. Oh and in case you forgot, vote yes for staggered 4 year terms, I cant stomach this BS every 2 years from now on.

And for those who would wish to talk today, or if you were one of those chosen to receive councilwoman Quezada latest episode of the piss down my back and tell me its raining report and you want some clarification; I can be easily spotted just look for the brightest day glow orange shirt you can imagine and that will be me. And if by any chance you need assistance, a ride to the polling place, or anything else feel free to let me know.